Perks Of A College Wallflower

So here it is.

2012-02-10T10:42:00.000-06:00

Avenged Sevenfold - Almost Easy

I'm not crazy, nor am I insane. It has also prompted me to state a few things that I don't think a certain someone knows or has the drive to learn about me.

Beyonce - If I Were A Boy

I don't like it when people push me away. If I were a guy that was taken, considering that the relationship was founded on the right path, I'd consider myself lucky that the girl had chosen me. I will trust her enough to understand that she won't leave me for anything, even if I was pushing her away.

Amy Grant - Better Than A Hallelujah

But what he doesn't know is that I'm miserable, miserable FOR him. I remember being like that. I remember pushing everyone I know away because, well, I don't know either. The funny part is, I'm still doing it. I've only just started to be more honest with myself, be more honest with others, and to love everyone for who they are.

Dear Love,
I want to be there when you fall. I'm being selfish in my reaction, but not in my actions. If you need someone to turn to, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere and I daresay that I'll be annoying you over the next few days. I'm not trying to get you mad, but there are those who don't ask for help unless someone offers it to them.
I don't know what this is supposed to be doing. I don't know if you're testing me to see if I'll leave. I don't if it's God testing me to see if I'll leave. Please, stop testing me. You've proven your point. I know you're stubborn, don't have much to say, don't really want to say anything. I'm not pushing you back to prove you wrong. I'm pushing you back because I know you can do much better than that. I know you can do this right.
I know I snap back. I know that I give a lot of tough love. I don't know you as much as I should and vice versa, but I'm not going until you say, "We're done." Until you decide, I really hope and pray that no matter what happens, you have the strength to ask for help from those who do love you for you. Boy, I'll be whatever you need me to be. I may not know what to do, but I'm still here and I will be. And if you need me to stand to the side while you figure yourself out, tell me. If you want me to come back to you, tell me. And if you want me to leave, let me know.

Hell, if you want me to slap you, I'll gladly do it. That way none of your other friends can put you in a coma because I'm not strong enough to hurt you.

There. I may regret this later.
"The things you say when you don't pay attention." Right, babe?

Praying that you'll come through....♥

Freedom of Acceptance: a personal perspective

2012-02-04T20:58:00.002-06:00

Freedom of Acceptance: a personal perspective

/start rant

I just want to say that I am Catholic by choice, not because my parents made me. Definitely not because I was pressured to do so. The specific issue would be about the idea of Pro-Life and the teachings that come with being Catholic. Now, I am NOT, by all means, a perfect person. I make mistakes and I live to learn from them. I believe that God has been generous enough to give us the means to be able to have a clean slate through the Sacraments (namely Reconciliation) and with Him. But it still bugs me when I see and read all the religious slander against Catholicism and other religions, even from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I say this because it saddens me that the belief in God and religion itself, has been divided so much that there is no unity among us who do believe in Jesus, the Risen Lord and the Father.

Going back to my issue.

This new healthcare reform is an abomination. How rude. How sneaky and defiling.

How can the rest of the United States force the Catholic Church to decide whether or not to provide healthcare to its female employees on the grounds that it goes against one of the most prominent teachings: the right to live.

Do you see the Church actively working to enforce this issue? Sure, we influence it. It's part of what we do. So is participating in school, doing well at work, and basically bringing God to those who really need it most. The word here is "influence" not "enforce."

I say this because have you ever seen homosexuals at mass? I have. They're probably more devout than I am. The funny part is, marriage falls under the Pro-Life rule we have going on. Go to the Philippines during Simbang Gabi and be enlightened to how many homosexuals wake up at 3am to go to mass every day for nine days.

Ever wondered why homosexuals can't get married? Because they can't have babies. No, really. I can't speak for the religious bigots though. They're just as rude as the pro-healthcare reform.
Marriage = procreation aka Pro-Life. Even homosexuals have the right to live and worship in a Catholic church. I believe that they should have legal rights too: adoption, living under the same roof, etc as a married couple. But to be married into the Church? Well, they can't have babies (the pregnant man doesn't count) so ixnay on the marriage deal. Quit making a mountain out of a molehole, it REALLY is that simple.

And seriously, don't EVEN get me started on the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice thing. How is it "women's rights" if we won't even let our own little girls to decide whether or not THEY want to live? Rather, we decide FOR them?

God alone has the right to take or give life, so does this make you God? I should probably worship YOU...oh wait, I'm sorry. That's freakin' idolatry, which is NOT the same as the Catholic devotion to Mary and the Saints. If my own mother and my uncles and aunts on my mom's side were heroes/examples for all mankind, I'd have some deep respect for them and ask them to intercede and pass on what I'm asking for to the almighty being that made them so awesome.

Trust me. If I can't find an example to prove my point, God-willing, the Lord Himself would give me an example to give you.

I'm just so upset and disappointed with a lot of people on this. I thought the First Amendment was a freedom of acceptance, not freedom to force people's opinions and beliefs on each other. This political campaign is just full of stepping on people's toes to get a rise out of one another and divide us even more than we already are.

Get a grip people. If we ever have a zombie apocalypse, we only have each other on this planet.

Yay, Pro-Life.

/end rant

In the Teenage Angst of Things

2012-01-25T23:15:00.000-06:00

I just realized how...immature everything sounds on this blog I hold. It's a bit overwhelming and a little bit refreshing to know that I haven't suddenly "grown up" and left everything behind. But it doesn't help that I have a baby face (IRL) that matches my emotional growth. Which happens to be the age of an infant. And it's amusing. More so because I actually have gone back and read other blogs I used to keep (Xanga, MySpace, my other Blogger blogs that are no long up and running, etc) and cringed at the young ~~(and stupid)~~ me that is so different from now.
To be honest, there really is no difference in the past blogging self and the current blogging self other than the growth of my use of the English language in communication media aka The Blog.
Really.
Bringing it back full circle with my comment on the immaturity of my current blogging self, I really have been feeling kind of teenage angst-y lately. I feel like the world is against me and I'm just quite ready to just say: 1. fack it all and 2. leave me the hell alone.
For those who don't actually know me IRL ~~(which is a good thing, trust me)~~, you'll know of the recent breakup of k3n and I. We had been dating for almost 4 years and it was just one of those things that I had unfortunately grown out of in about that same amount of time. Well, I was probably more seriously into the relationship for about the first 2 years but close to the end of it, I wasn't really...feeling it.
I felt taken for granted in more ways than one and it just wasn't a way to keep going in my life so it ended the way it did. It didn't help much when I found out that k3n just happened to not be the guy that proves to me that all guys aren't the same.
And then I started dating someone new which has lasted until the current time.
It's different. It's like my life has completely started over. In essence, I received part one of my "Teenage Angst" deal and now all I'm waiting on is for everyone to leave me the hell alone. I have become the opposite of what I used to be in previous relationships and am now part of a deal where no promises are being made and I'm fighting for the top spot with a divine being that already knows and has chosen the outcome.
He's discerning to be in the seminary. No, I still don't know how I feel about it except I'd really like to f*cking know because unless he knows, he's not in it to win it with me.
But it doesn't stop there.
But that's where I stop otherwise I'll keep rambling.

Hence the "Teenage Angst" of it all. I need to find a new hobby.

The Darnedest Things People Say

2012-01-23T21:37:00.008-06:00

"I can deal with it and endure."
-k3

"Shut up. You're annoying me."
-m

"Girl, I will come over there, pick you up, and take you home within half an hour."
-J

"I promise I will never hurt you."
-Ds

"Patience and prayer."
-K

"Yes! I would love to have you again!"
-Ms

"We might have another 'superstar' on the team!"
-bC

"Don't worry, things will change."
-Ah

"You're not being judged on anything."
-Ls

"Making stupid decisions, calling them hard times. Your circumstance is a direct result of right or wrong thinking. Choose rightly."

-Bn

Just kidding.

2012-01-20T22:42:00.000-06:00

Keeping a blog is tedious. There. I said it.
It's also scary. Not in a horror movie kind of way, but like a suspenseful-thriller. You never know who will be reading it. Since I've made it a point to show this blog to people that I know IRL, it's a daunting task to censor what I've been wanting to say versus what I should be saying.
One of my new year's resolutions has become:

I don't care what people think. It's going to go in my blog if I feel like it.

Yay, me.

So my dilemma of the moment is where does my blog fit in the blog-sphere universe?

I don't write very well on the whim and most of my writings do not even see the "light" of someone else's brain or presence. Nor am I very good at being audience-oriented in the way my blog is presented and shared. I've tried to do the whole uppity-cheerful-yay-college! path of blogging and it still doesn't fit what I want to express.

At the moment, I believe I can count the grand total of my readers on one hand. Really.

And the best part? I think I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm not okay with who is reading but what I have is pretty awesome :)

This thing I have going on is called "Perks of a College Wallflower" for a reason.

I don't party ~~(hard)~~; I don't gossip ~~(much)~~; and my life is ~~(mostly)~~ uneventful save for what I find worth documenting here. Without getting too in-depth, I think my blog is a bit of the wallflower for blogging because its wallflower owner is an active blog-reader yet isn't much of a blogger herself.

Maybe one day this thing will become more than what it is now. Hell, maybe just maybe someone will find an interest and lets me know.

But until then, I need to learn how to write better posts. My lack of writing skills appalls me.

I'm moving my blog.

2012-01-12T22:12:00.000-06:00

Catch me if you can♥

Three weeks at an end..

2012-01-09T00:05:00.000-06:00

I realized that he is a says-it-once-and-doesn't-repeat-it kind of guy. It took me three weeks in another country and silence for about 2-3 days at a time to figure this out.

There's still a lot I'm learning about him. Things like his nervous habits, Jersey accent (that I still can't get over), and the fact that from Day 1 his presence made me comfortable in whatever space we were in.

It's funny how silence can teach you something about someone that has a dynamic personality. For me, my silence shows nothing. But get me talking and I won't shut up for a minute.

This is new. It's different. I'm still learning.

I just had a thought..

2012-01-05T03:50:00.000-06:00

About what it was like for our friends around us watching us go through this.

You know, I was just thinking about how a lot of people read our Facebooks, Twitters, and everything. In my selfishness, I say to myself, "OMG. Seriously, get a life. Stop getting in ours and leave us alone. If we wanted advice, we'd ask." You know, things like that. Because the way I'm thinking is that they just want us back together because that's what was normal. That's how they see us: as a unit, together, as one being. So us being apart was unnatural to our friends and that they just wanted us back together just for being together without any thought of what we wanted (or rather, what I wanted) for ourselves.

Then I thought. Maybe they really were upset, concerned, and all of the above. Maybe I'm not crazy in thinking that they're just butting in because we're not talking to each other. It's only because we weren't talking with each other that they wanted to talk to us.

And get this: I was thinking all this because I was about to post a G+ thing about it. Then I realized how many people I know that changed over to G+ and WILL read it.

Maybe I'll post the G+ thing...we'll see.

on learning..

2011-12-29T22:15:00.000-06:00

I saw a shirt last night at the mall (SM Supermall? I dunno) that said on it:

"You are where you need to be."

And I had planned to write an entry that was about what life has been like back here in the motherland but all of that just kind of...melted when I saw that shirt.

You are where you need to be.

These past few months have been hard. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. Mentally.

I didn't get good grades this semester because my mind has been on too many things. If I had just kept my head down, I would've failed every class this semester.

You are where you need to be.

Too many things have changed. In the way I think, the way I perceive others, and the ways of those who I've already known for a while. It's different and it has opened my eyes to where exactly I am in the world.

You are where you need to be.

But then I thought about it. Life is not about standing on your own two feet. It's about evaluating where you are in the world and realizing that we're not alone. We, as humans, are not made to be alone. But in knowing so, it makes it harder to care for others carrying for your burdens that SHOULD be fixed by you alone.

You are where you need to be.

And that's where I will be.

The Case of Being a Psycho Girlfriend

2011-12-21T00:42:00.000-06:00

So like a thing, right? I'm with someone laidback, more laidback than I am and the gap between us in this way is just so vast I feel like I'm on another planet.

SO! My problem is not that I'm needy, jealous, or even any way keeping a leash on my guy. But there's this happy medium between answering my txts and me sending them. Yeah? I'm sure every girl has been there: at some point in the relationship you feel like you send a buttload of texts and there's a level of anxiety of when (at some point) they're all, if not most of them are, answered.

That's where I am right now.
Hopefully, he's not reading this. Or rather, hopefully he NEVER reads this (which is highly unlikely.)

I don't need a constant barrage of texts. Been there, done that.
I'll go crazy if there's no answer. So please don't do that.

But when I'm stuck for three weeks in another country and I can only send 1 message a day, it drives me nuts when there's no reply.

It's like this when I'm at home too. I feel like I barrage you with texts, you know? Like I'm just totally annoying the shit out of you. Am I annoying you? But then you might get annoyed if I ask that. I feel like I'm just a super insane ball of anxiety just waiting for the response. Is it just me going crazy? Or are you just so relaxed about this? The snowball effect is like, dead. But then I feel like there's no movement of the snowball. Maybe I'm really just insane.

But is it just me?

I thought the definition of a psycho girlfriend wasn't me. Maybe God is trying to play a joke on me and test me to see if I'll really overwhelm you with a buttload of texts and get on your nerves. Shoot, it scares me half to death thinking about it.

Hopefully, I'm not psycho. I just wish you would tell me otherwise.

Without You...

2011-12-08T19:43:00.000-06:00

...I can't stand on my own two feet.

No, not him. The one up Above.

I had a good talk with my ate the other day about relationships. She said something that struck me really hard, made me think about where I'm going currently..

"The thing about relationships is that I don't think you ever really get over them. It's just something you get used to as time passes by."

Ironic that the night before, I was talking with Yani (a friend of mine) and he said pretty much the same thing. 7 years, 3 girlfriends, 2 countries, and half his family with an "opinion" to figure this out:

"it's not about getting over people. it's about finding new people to be a part of your life."

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not looking for replacements. I'm looking to add to my friend-repertoire that I hold dear to me. My problem now is, where am I going to fit everyone in my life?

So many people had opinions about what I was deciding to do. Even I did, though I was the one making all these wierd decisions. Who knows? Maybe I needed a change.

Maybe I'm just growing up.

I read a blog post a while back about high school myths and beliefs that will ultimately condemn you. #1 on the list was:

You will change your group of friends. More than once.

Don't worry. This is completely normal.

To this day, I can't remember what blog it was. But what it told me was so profound in the sense that while I was shaking my mental head in disagreement, I'm now living the truth of its message. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for each and every single one of the list of myths and held each to be true. Thinking about it in (short) retrospect, the list was right.

It's not about the dsetination, it's about the journey leading to it. Yet, life is an endless journey. So where the hell are we supposed to end up now?

Wish I knew.

Some love lessons from Steve Jobs...

2011-11-27T21:57:00.000-06:00

Love Lessons From Steve Jobs: How To Live Before You Die [EXPERT] | Allura Joy | YourTango:

'via Blog this'

Been doing a lot of reading lately. A lot of thinking, milling around, and just "being."

It's quite liberating :)
Hopefully, I'll get back into the blogging thing a little bit refreshed.

Taking Chances..

2011-11-04T00:42:00.000-05:00

by Celine Dion.

It's been a while, yeah? Lots of changes have been going on and I think my world is starting to stabilize itself. It's never occurred to me before how much I affect the people around me. We're part of a much bigger system here, a constant and adaptive one. Strange how just two people who break up cause a ripple effect with the people around them.

I've figured out who my real friends are, the ones who truly care and the ones who don't.

The real world isn't a scary place.

I might be changing my blog...again. Remember my year-long tendencies? Yep. maybe by next year I'll be having a new one. It'll make me more honest with myself, knowing that the people who read are TRULY anonymous.

on the affirmating...feeling...

2011-10-14T18:07:00.000-05:00

http://www.alreadypretty.com/2011/10/self-consciousness-focus-and-projection.html

^that's kind of how I feel at the moment.
I feel like Captain Jack Sparrow. I want too many things, not that I WANT them and more for I want a good outcome from what I want.

My head is confused, my mind set, and my heart ready to move on. It's more for trying not to dwell on what I've lost, but rather on what I will be gaining.

I spent a few days in Austin for the Game Developer's Conference this past week. It's funny; the situations that God puts you in that force you to learn a little more about yourself. Some things that I immediately picked up on:
- I'm stronger than I look.
- Tequila is not my best friend.
- Pretending to be okay doesn't work.
- and Honesty is your real best friend.

This isn't goodbye. Not officially, not completely, but to what we've left behind. This is hello, to what is to come and the new experiences as part of this road. We'll be okay. Maybe my version of "okay" is different from yours, but it's still okay. :)

on finding...it

2011-09-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week or so for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but for some reason took some much needed study time out to jot down my thoughts.

It's been wonderful, but downright miserable.
I'm terrified, but I know exactly what I want.
My heart is at peace, but still fighting the war.

Believing is everything and the truth is only relative. You can never regret anything because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted. In that one moment, we were infinite. So never start what you can't finish. Rely on God, He'll never let you down.

I've learned a lot about myself this past week, about the people I surround myself with, and why I make the choices I make. I want to move on, but I don't want to hurt the people that care about me the most. If they even do (and materialistically keeping me doesn't count as "caring.")

Pray for me, brothers and sisters, and in the same way I pray for you :)

Dear You,

2011-09-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

kitelina: Snow White said when I was young, "One Day, my prince will come." So I'll wait for that date.
kitelina: They say it's hard to meet your match, gotta find my better half so we make perfect shapes.
richyg84: @kitelina: Why did I think about lego when you tweeted that? lol
kitelina: @richyg84: lol lego? you mean the shapes? LOL
richyg84: @kitelina: yes. Except they came with instructions but we were kids back then and we just made our own contraptions. I miss that.
kitelina: @richyg84: me too...<3

I don't know where we're going to go. I'm scared sh**less right now. I want it to be you, but right now it's not. Why is it that the one thing I don't want to give, you want the most from me? Our relationship is based on something so immature, don't you see? You're about to lose me because you can't get up and try when I've been the one trying from the very beginning. This relationship is burning me out. What I want, you haven't figured out. What you want, I won't give.
Fight for me.
This is your last chance.

how you gonna tell me...

2011-09-21T17:52:00.000-05:00

...that you're in love with me.
For like, the 3rd+ time in a row. Yes, 3rd+ time in a row. I have turned you down each time.

How you gonna tell me that you see yourself growing old with me? Because our families are so close; I consider your sisters my sisters and yours, mine. But that isn't an automatic, "I'm going to be her husband."

How are you going to start texting and calling me as soon as my status changes as if I'd run to you for help? Pfft, as if, since you consider yourself first in line for next boyfriend status!
Trust me, you're not on it. At all.

How are you gonna to just come into my work, thinking that you can just barge yourself into my thinking place since I'm technically "single" now?

How are you gonna have such an obvious inconsideration for my feelings and expect that you'll be the one I turn to?

No. Just NO.

Why is it that when I'm trying to figure out my life, people just think that they can just barge in it as if I'm expecting them to be there? If I need you, I WILL turn to you.

/endrant

Sorry, just disregard and keep going on about your lives.

on sticker love..

2011-09-13T20:29:00.001-05:00

JoAnn's is marking down a bunch of their "seasonal" scrapbook stickers. So being the thrifty ~~and cheap~~ person I am, I snagged a few coming home from work one day. I've been on a sticker-fest ever since. It led me to dig up a folder of stickers I had since I was in elementary school and for some reason, I decided to stick them somewhere where it actually fits if you don't look too hard.

Dell D630 running on Pochacco power! You can still see the pencil marks where I tried to get it right.

Volume up/down, mute, and Power button. Cute isn't it? :)

on the joys of thrifting

2011-09-05T13:49:00.008-05:00

I used to think that going through thrift stores were not worth the time spent on it. Sure, a few extra dollars can be spared and exchanged with the time. Actually, make that a few hundred dollars spared. My mom is the queen of thrift shopping. She gets these sixth-sense gut feelings every now and then and decides to go. Call her a spontaneous and "seize the moment" kind of person. But she got all excited this one morning (last, last Friday) and asked if I could come along.

I thought to myself, oh what the heck and agreed to be her thrifting buddy. After an hour and a half, we snagged about 20 various Gymboree and Janie&Jack children's clothes for $3 each. These things were priced 39.99 and 43.99 respectively AND brand new. Not only did they smell new, but the attendant even told us that they were probably written off and donated by the stores.

Even better?

I snagged a 50 cent Tommy Hilfiger purse. Brand new. No really. There wasn't any dirt in it, no scuffs, no signs of any kind of use (gentle or otherwise). It looked like someone bought it, forgot about it, then donated because they didn't have a need for it.

My spoils for the day:

Other things we found that I have no pictures for include a Targus backpack, a Nike brand backpack (the old school one with the leather on the bottom), and a cool print Jansport backpack. I remember seeing the last one for 39.99 last year at Target. Super cool. This is about to be a new hobby of mine :)

Assuming I have readers, has anyone else got a really awesome deal when thrifting?

DIY: friendship bracelets

2011-08-29T23:28:00.000-05:00

Remember when friendship bracelets were just the thing to do? I remember an elementary school friend of mine, her sister made them like a beast and she would always show it off to all of us jealous kids. A striped bracelet in the original 6 Power Ranger colors ~~(yep, I'm that old)~~, and a bunch of other ones I can't even remember. Just the patterns were oh so cool. I just stumbled on some DIY tutorials online (not through Stumble Upon, I promise!) and it just reinvigorated my love for everything crafty and cute :)

And as a plus, they don't cost much. One of them even uses cheap hardware from your local hardware store. Perfect for those on a college budget :) Gonna grab some embroidery floss at JoAnn's tomorrow after work now. Pictures and the links to the tutorials are below.

http://honestlywtf.com/diy/diy-rope-bracelet/

http://www.stylehive.com/blog/diy-friendship-links

http://honestlywtf.com/diy/diy-friendship-bracelet/

Why staying at home isn't a good thing in college

2011-08-29T00:55:00.000-05:00

When I graduated high school, I didn't have a choice. It was either go out of state and be cut off or stay at home, pursue a degree I wasn't 100% about and rely on my parents for financial help. To put it even more simply (and frankly), I'm your typical college, stay-home-for-school moocher.

The only difference that I have with the other moochers I know is that
a. I can't save enough money because working is second on my list (most moochers live at home and...pretty much just live there)
b. I have no independence (I have a curfew)
c. my parents insist on paying for EVERYTHING for me except a car

The most important would probably be C. Meaning I offered to pay my part of the phone bill, car insurance, car payments, etc so I can get some independence but I was denied everytime. That was fixed with me getting my own phone contract but I wasn't allowed (basically the momma unit got pissed) to pay for anything else. What's one piece of freedom to everything else held with handcuffs and adamantum?

I don't know anyone else who feels that way. At least, no one who feels that way and their parents don't practically hold their independence above their head like holding a feather toy over a cat. Try as they might, the cat will never capture the entire toy, maybe bits of the feather but never the entire thing. You taunt the poor creature until they get bored with it and give up.

I'm almost there. I've almost had my patience with staying home. And unfortunately for everyone, I'm someone who sticks with their decision and follows it through. Please don't push me past my breaking point.

on Top 10 reasons why College isn't any better than High School..

2011-08-25T18:23:00.001-05:00

Walking into the first day of my senior year of college, made me realize something: I feel like the exact same person I did when I entered my first day of high school. Not that I'm disregarding the obvious 7 year difference between the two significant days of my life. Experience of significant events only adds on to the experience of living, of which there really is a huge gap in the jump from freshman year of high school to my senior year of college. But enough of that for now.
It got me thinking a bit on why that is, leading me to create a list of reasons why the two days didn't feel any different.

10. Your teachers are still assholes/awesome people.
9. Your parents still nag you to do things. (This applies if you live at home for school, obviously.)
8. The social ladder still exists...not on campus but within your class.
7. Remember being broke because mommy and daddy aren't giving you allowance? Now you're broke because your job doesn't pay you enough.
6. You force a smile when you tell people your course of study, like when you told them your after grad plans while still in high school.
5. The world still isn't free. Unfortunately.
4. People will still judge you, except now it's based on how they think you'll manage in real life rather than the degree you choose.
3. Boys will be more of boys and girls are still made of sugar, spice and everything nice (with a shot of the cayenne pepper seasoning you always hated).
2. New crowd, new places, same tune.
1. The relationships you had in high school (assuming you kept up with some of them) will be even stronger now that you're in college.

on first day of school...

2011-08-21T23:37:00.000-05:00

...YEEESSSS!

supplies....check!
laptop&hard drive....check!
new CD mix for the semester....CHECK!

You have no idea how excited I am for the first day of school. Well, obviously since 50 gazillion miles of interweb space separates me and you! But seriously, this is the first day of school.....OF MY SENIOR YEAR ~~(college, not high school)~~.

How much more exciting can it get? It's practically self explanatory haha

nails painted...check!

30 minutes of summer left.....leths go!

on back to school..

2011-08-16T23:01:00.001-05:00

In response to Lifehacker's What's In Your Backpack post made last fall, I have decided to post pictures of the contents of my own. Funny how I think that most of those posts were made by guys because I didn't see any "girly" backpacks or even girly related responses. So, in celebration of my own first day of school next monday, here's my own :)

The Video-Game-Design-Major-Pack of all things not video game design related:
-handy dandy laptop bag my dad gave me
-Dell Latitude D630 (with skullcandy sticker pasted on top, lame I know)
-power brick for the Dell
-mini notebook of ideas
-cords: iPod, 2 USB (1 short, 1 long), Headphones, micro USB
-purple 9LED flashlight
-500GB Seagate hard drive
-Prismacolor Fine Line markers (which is wierdly flipped over)
-Logitech M315 wireless mouse in Steel Blue :)
-2in1 pen from my dad's company, it's a pen AND a highlighter!
-binders, or rather my schoolwork flavor of the day depending on my classes

...and as a special feature, I'm posting my purse as well. A bit of a risk on my part but hey, why not? :)

The Video-Game-Design-Major-Purse of all things not video game design related:
-Vera Bradley mini hipster in Java Blue (I sense a pattern here...)
-various business cards, gift cards (STARBUCKSFTW), stamp cards, etc..
-credit card, university card
-coin purse
-compact mirror
-tic tacs
-chapstick
-mini notebook of ideas
-my super cool Zebra F-301 pen
-keyring: house key, key tags, pepper spray, rosary ring, wing keychain attachment
-NOT pictured: cell phone, drivers license, and community college ID, pads ;) oh and cash
-furry Shih Tzu butt not included

So that's it. A small (and rather odd) picture of my life. They always say you can judge people by what they carry in their pockets, you know?
Have fun and stay safe in school guys :D

on being motivated..

2011-08-15T17:31:00.001-05:00

5 techniques to keep you motivated - positively present

So in keeping with the times and trying to find ways to make my blog more -ahem- appealing to others, I guess I'm going to start posting things that keep me going.

I'm a bit of an internet nut. I can spend hours reading and reading all the things it has to offer. And as a bookworm, it's awesome having so much reading material that's offered for free :) Super cool.

Anyways, in the spirit of motivation, I have posted a link to a wonderful guideline of "ways to keep you motivated."

I'm a very positive person, but sometimes it's hard to be positive when the rest of the road looks grim, no?

Oh and I changed the font size. It might help those who squint too hard to read my posts x]

on a letter to my 16-year-old self..

2011-08-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

Dear me, at the age of 16;

You have probably just had one of the best birthday parties in your life. Your mom and your sisters spent three whole days trying to keep the secret that they were trying to have a surprise birthday for you. It will also be the day that Gabby will tell you that she and Greg are dating. She will ask if it's okay with you and you will say yes. Congratulations, you've made your first legitimate lie to yourself.
Don't use that as a shot to your self-image. You ARE beautiful enough to have someone love you and for you to love them back.
When you get Confirmed, don't lose sight of God. Find out how to keep that fire going because it'll keep you going when you're down.
Go with Celebrant Singers, it'll be the best summer of your life. Keep in touch with your brothers and sisters because they won't EVER leave you alone :)
Shoot for your dreams because no one should tell you where and how you should live your life. You will eventually forgive Greg for what he did but reach back out to Gabby because you won't ever speak to her again in person in your life. Such forgiveness is nothing in comparison to the loss of a friend ):
Make a bucket list of things you want to do before you die and don't forget, never regret anything. Because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Remember, it WILL turn out for the better in the end. Believing is everything.

-Love, me

on a meaning in life...

2011-08-05T20:57:00.000-05:00

..or at least this blog.
One of my life's goals was to have a blog with a good amount of followers. So I don't mean for you to go off and tell everyone we know about what I've been saying about them -coughYOUKNOWWHOYOUAREcough- But one of the things that has been bothering me this whole summer, seeing as I had more time to blog, was that this particular blog is just a quick glimpse of what my life is really like in a nutshell. My feelings about things that I would not normally say in real life go in this blog.
Now, I'm not saying that it's the most awesome thing to read about (in my own personal opinion, my life is actually pretty boring). I'm saying that my blog does not have a real selling point to it other than being the times and trials of a certain female video game design student.

Unless I have pointed you here, you know who I am. And if you don't, that's awesome (no sarcasm, really). Here's the deal though, I want my blog's selling point to be what exactly the title is: the Perks of Being a College Wallflower. An (almost) completely anonymous college student as she goes through her college career. But---Wow, just had a revelation. Being a wallflower means that no one really knows who I am. Unfortunately, selling yourself on the internet means that EVERYONE has to know who you are.

.../fail

Please excuse me as I just keep living life on as it is :D

on wasting time...

2011-08-01T22:11:00.000-05:00

Time = money and money = time. We're wasting both.

I don't particularly care where everyone is on this, but the impasse that's happening right now is just so stupid. I have already applied for an internship in California, several internships actually, and while I would love to be able to stay in Houston, that much is already looking to be dashed to pieces. This impasse is so incredibly pointless and until SOME people try to fix it, this won't work. Not for anyone.

I wish that for once, people that I know, love, and care for will just overlook their own selfish needs and focus on the matters at hand. Because right now, the neutral ground needs to be trod upon and the tasks need to be carried out. Who cares, for now, that people's feelings are hurt. Who cares, for now, about the suspected selfish feelings of others. Who cares, for now, that money is the only goal. To be honest, it IS the only goal at this point. Too many people need it and REALLY need it to care about their own selfish feelings, let alone act upon them.

It may be only about the money, but when has it not? It may be only about personal gain, but when has it not? This is a group effort fueled by the individual need for money and personal gain in order to establish stability in their lives. As far as I know, I have only known 3 (if you count 1 that I am speaking for), including myself, that are concerned with the money. Fortunately the only kind of selfish monetary gain to be made with this is totally genuine and not to put anyone out. To be honest, I would love to be financially stable and make my own living and move out of my parents home.

You know, just saying

A bridge needs to be built over this. Progress needs to be made. We can do this, if the parties involved are willing to do so. Assuming that the other party won't budge from their 'unwillingness' doesn't count. Being totally selfless in taking the risk is involved. Proceed with caution, because you won't be in harm's way. Not when we all trust each other.

on not turning out the way you want..

2011-07-07T23:08:00.001-05:00

http://katemoller.com/its-not-going-to-turn-out-the-way-you-thought/

"It will happen later. His best friend will ask you out instead. You’ll be kissed in the movies instead of on a beach. You’ll end up going to a different school because the one you thought you’d get into didn’t work out.

She’ll move away. Someone else will move in next door. She’ll be a little weird at first, a little more shy, but ultimately really good at riding bikes and playing dolls.

That part you always wanted will go to that other girl instead. And you’ll rock it out in the chorus like your life depended on it. Because on some level it does.

The road you were going to take will be flooded and closed. The inn where you were going to stay will be under renovations. He’ll be taller than you thought. And have a funny accent. But will be a good kisser nonetheless.

You’ll get a flat tire on the way to that crucial meeting and end up peeing your pants laughing with the gas station attendant over a copy of Us Magazine. And someone else will fill in for you because they always do.
You won’t get that dream job like you thought you would. It will go to someone else with far less creative drive and vision than you. Someone far better suited for a cubicle than you.
You’ll be put in groups with people who put your panties in a wrinkle. You’ll sit next to someone on the plane who you’d never talk to except that they won’t shut up…and you’ll end up staying in touch for years and taking family vacations together.
Five years after you graduate life won’t look anything like you would have imagined. You’ll be single when you thought you’d be married. You’ll have kids when you thought you’d be in the Peace Corps. That trip to Laos will get delayed because you’ve got to stay home and take care of your grandmother. Laos will be there. You’re grandmother won’t always.
He’ll move over seas and oddly the Atlantic Ocean between you will bring you closer than you ever dreamed possible. You won’t get engaged, married, or pregnant when you thought. You’ll miss the bus/train/plane/ferry that you thought you just HAD to be on.

You’ll fall off the turnip truck. You’ll jump on a different bandwagon than you intended. You’ll get fired when you thought you ought to be getting hired.
You’ll realize you forgot the outfit you had planned to wear and that the shoes are all wrong now that you have a full-length mirror to see the whole outfit. Your shirt will be wrinkled and you’ll spill red wine on your white jeans.
Your dog will eat your five-year plan. You’ll drop your Blackberry in the toilet (at least once.) Your computer will crash and you’ll delete the first draft of your magnum opus. You’ll accidentally delete your hard drive and end up with a clean slate.
You’ll show up late to the date with the guy you were sure was going to fit into your husband suit and realize he’s less than graceful under stress and not so flexible. (Better to know now than later.)

When you thought you’d be baking pie and living behind your very own white picket fence you’ll find yourself doing something so entirely different you couldn’t have even imagined it a year before. There will be moments when you’ll look around and not even recognize your own life…in a good way.
You’ll take a wrong turn and end up in an entirely different city than you intended. You’ll dial the wrong number and end up in love with an entirely different person than you intended.
You’ll flunk out and end up taking five years instead of four to graduate. You’ll have your heart broken when you were sure you were with the one and then meet the other one a month later. You’ll move to a new city to start a new business with those perfect new business partners and then it will all go to shit. And you’ll move across the country again only to realize that that’s where you belonged the whole time.

You’ll drive as far away from home as possible thinking that it will make you feel free. Then you’ll get homesick and drive back four months later because you suddenly feel trapped.
You’ll imagine the open road, country music playing loud, you signing at the top of your lungs, and flirting with a new man in every town. And then you’ll invite someone to come with you on a whim and realize driving around the country by yourself was a terrible idea anyway…and that its way more fun when you’re traveling with someone you love.
You won’t do it at the right time.

You’ll be late.

You’ll be early.

You’ll get re-routed.

You’ll get delayed.

You’ll change your mind.

You’ll change your heart.

It’s not going to turn out the way you thought it would.

It will be better."

on a saga...waiting to end..

2011-07-05T21:40:00.002-05:00

10 more days people! TEN MORE DAYS!
If you don't have so much of an inkling of what I'm referring to, then you have lived under a rock for far too long.

So with the saga of the decade (that lasted for a decade) coming to an end, I don't really have much to say. Surprise, surprise. Well, except that now I feel cheated that Harry Potter had pretty much a British only cast and I feel cheated because I was born an American. Maybe it would've meant the difference between being a part of the wonderful culture that is British and a wonderful spectator of this decade of Potter goodness. Boo.
Even then, it pains me a little bit knowing that I would've loved to be part of it. But alas, I am not an aspiring actress (nor anywhere close to being one), just a lowly undergrad studying video game design. Too bad Brown University isn't anywhere close to Texas.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit put out, knowing that these are actors and actresses who are, quite literally, my age and generation. While they are going out, auditioning, making movies, being famous, whatever-else they're doing, I sit here as a normal part of society key-thumping my way through a blog that only one other person (other than myself) reads. It hurts my ego even more knowing that when I search my name (my REAL name, mind you) I only get one unique result in the whole of the U.S. of A. Sweet.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit jealous. That's it, jealous and envious of the lives that are theirs because mine is so significantly insignificant and that the most people will know of my name is on a long list of credits at the end of a video game on the screen. You know, the part no one really watches. It's all about the animations that are going on around the list of credits. I have no reason to feel this jealousy, seeing as it's not my fault or theirs or anyone else's really. But they'd get recognized if they walked down Town Center Blvd, I won't. Unless I went to school with them.

I suppose it's tied to the fact that I'd like to know these people as people. It didn't keep me from dreaming while I was in middle school, how I'd be swept off my feet and marry a British gentleman. Which isn't far from the truth for a few things that a. I'm asian (who'd deny an exotic beauty), b. I wouldn't mind living in London if it wasn't for the snow (I HATE snow cuz it means it's cold. I hate cold.), and c. Filipino and White people babies are like, the prettiest babies on the planet (um, Hello? Vanessa Hudgens, Nicole Scherzinger, Enrique Iglesias?). My fantasies still went as far as to go that I'd be best friends with the three of them and we'll ride off into the sunset and be best friends foreverest (I was in middle school, sue me). I still have a letter I wrote to Daniel Radcliffe back in 2002. Oh shit, did I just say that?

Meanwhile, I'm going to try and write/publish a book, have a nice blog, make an awesome video game, and get on with my life. Just because I'm insignificant doesn't mean I can't live my life with my lowly and non-celebrity-status-like existence.

But it would be the most awesome of awesomes if I ever got the chance to meet one of the Trio. I'd faint. Even better, if I became a friend. Oh how the list of the impossibles goes on!

But you can't deny. It WOULD be cool.

on a summer..

2011-07-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

Summers don't really do much for me, not since high school anyway. I always hear about summer flings, summer vacation, summer events, things that wouldn't have mattered so much if it was in another point and time during the year. Winter doesn't do vacation much justice, I guess. Must be all that snow..
It's funny how summer vacay is so highlighted in media as well. Funny meaning amusing, amusing being I don't understand the importance of summer vacation. Until now.
Decisions are to be made, I guess, on things that have been bothering me since I graduated. I am obviously not the person I was 3 years ago at my high school graduation. I've grown in ways that looking back on it, I wouldn't have guessed that the me typing this up is the same one that ignored a boy for almost 5 years. I've grown. That's all I can really say on it.
Now, as for the big decisions, I have decided that I need closure on things in my previous part of life. One of the many gifts that God has blessed me with is music. While in high school, I played the flute and had I pursued it, I would've been really freaking good. But a quick trip around the U.S. of A. for 3 months concluded that it wasn't my way of life. However, that doesn't mean I miss it less. So next summer around this time, I will be leaving for that same around the U.S. of A. trip completing the 5 years hiatus of that gift.
Another gift is dance. I was not born with 2 left feet and had I been, it would've quickly left my repertoire. I will be taking ballet classes this fall at the Houston Met (or the Houston Metropolitan of Dance as it is officially called) and attempt to audition for the company and stay with them for a year. When I graduated, I didn't get a chance to officially say goodbye to dancing. The recital at my old dance studio was right in the middle of drama and in-studio politics that unfortunately made itself known about a year later. I just kind of....stopped dancing. I took a contemporary class last year. Unfortunately, it was definitely not my element and will not be anytime soon. The reason that I wish to go with the Houston Met is that it has a distinct style that is ballet-related and if I were to go to Houston Ballet Company, well it's a bit too late to go back. I'm too old and been out of it too long to be in a distinct position in HBC, so Houston Met it is :)

There's a bit of the conflicts going in my mind that past month or so. I'm excited for when my plans go into effect. However, knowing God, He will put His own version of a twist. Good or Bad? I have no idea, but that doesn't mean I'm any less excited :)

on UPickEm...

2011-06-23T12:27:00.000-05:00

hello my wonderful audience of none. if you happen to stumble by...GREAT!
please vote for my friend's baby in the CW 39 (my local news station) contest "Beautiful Babies."
it would be awesome if you helped support her! she's so so cuuute :D

on a better life..

2011-06-21T23:17:00.001-05:00

I was able to watch an advanced screening of the movie, A Better Life, tonight.Other than being a real-life, heart-to-heart tearjerker, it hit home for me as a 1st generation Filipina in the States. While my story isn't the same, the idea that the parents who moves to the States fight, sacrifice, and work hard for the benefit of their children is. The one thing about the movie that was represented really well was the hope for the American Dream. All the characters, including the supporting ones (Luis's friends, the aunt's family) have experienced their own American dream by the time the movie ends. Unfortunately, gangs aren't really an American Dream, it is the hope for a better future for the ones who choose to go down that path. It's to make their lives better and for the ones they love.
The movie seems to intrude upon the intimate family life of a single dad, Carlos, and his son, Luis. A little slow for an emotional build but once it hits, the effect is like Pacquiao's right hook: powerful and right on point. I loved the movie for its optimism. Both Carlos and Luis had a well enough outlook on life to not resort to illegal means (other than relying on a coyote to get across the border). But it's the son who really brought the main idea home: tempted to join a gang to become "somebody" time and time again, but refusing to do so in the hope that the said "better life" is received better by honest means.
I can honestly say that there was almost no dry eyes left in the theater when the movie was done. It was a beautiful (moving) picture of sacrifice that no one should miss out on.

on a confession..

2011-06-13T16:01:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen...I am a hoarder.
Wow, that was a lot easier to admit than I thought.

Three years ago, my family moved into a new house on the other side of town, which is like 15 minutes away from the old house. I have about the same amount of stuff in this house than in the old one. However, after re-evaluating my new lifestyle from 3 years ago, I can say that I have a very minimalistic approach to what I use and what I keep or throw away. Unfortunately, after looking through my things for clothes to wear, purses to use, books to read, I realize that I hold onto things more often than throwing them away.
I feel guilty throwing away receipts. I can't cut tags off new clothing, opting instead to carefully thread the little plastic thingy through the hole already made to put the tag on the garment. Oh and I have every single receipt from when I graduated high school. Except for maybe the few that got lost on the way (I'm not THAT crazy, geez), they all go inside a box.
It's not that I don't know what to keep and what not to keep. I know I have junk when I have it, like all the Ramune bottles I've ever drunk in my life (and the cute Hello Kitty one that my sister gave to me). Or even most if not all my schoolwork from high school. I'm not even in high school anymore! What the hell can I do with it? Nothing, it's just a bunch of paper.
I think the problem lies in the sentimental value I give things. Of course, it comes with boundaries, like the stuffed animals that k3n has given me since we started dating. But the Build-A-Bears I've made? Nah, those can go to someone more deserving :) It's probably because I have the worst memory in the world, I swear the first thing that'll happen to me when I get old is Alzheimer's or something. So I keep these things to keep my memory fresh. Also when I was a kid, I didn't get a lot of things because my family wasn't (and still isn't) rich. So I can take care of my things really well. Problem now is I don't need all of it but the sentimental value is still there.

I hope I have the heart in me to part with the things that I don't need anymore. But for those that I think I can't throw away, k3n and a friend of ours is coming over today to help me.

on 525,600 minutes..

2011-05-21T23:40:00.000-05:00

really, what can happen in a year?
It's now the end of May, time of change, time for plans. Technically, the new year begins January 1st, but everyone really knows that the "year" starts the beginning of June.
Plans for the year have already started, including mine. However, the funny thing about plans is that not everything will follow it. It's awesome that the plans involve things that are uncertain to begin with, what's more to add uncertainty on top of the uncertain plan?
I pray that it will all work out.

On another note, I just received my grades for my UHV classes. Let's just say I'm excited that I brought my GPA a full point up :) Finals this year was complete hell, a waste of time, and it would've hurt my grade if an awesome negotiation wasn't made between a classmate of mine and the department head. Phew, a world-scale apocalypse just blew over my head with that one.

525,600 minutes...how do YOU measure a year?

on uncertainty..

2011-05-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

things aren't always what they seem. please excuse the vagueness but bear with me..
i feel taken for granted, i feel like nothing will change. i feel like i'm in a rut i can't get out of because my wheel isn't big enough to get out of it completely.
but at the same time, i want to stay exactly where i am. it's not like the other person is completely taking advantage of what i do, or rather reaping the benefits while i slave, you know? but nothing is happening, nothing is changing and we can't stay kids forever.

i want something real. i want proof, i want evidence that these things will turn out alright. i want to know that my dream will come out the way that i dreamt it.

little things along the way are enough to keep my sustained to know that things MIGHT turn out the way i want it. but people always getting what they want is bad for character, no? however, i don't want to be unhappy my entire life, waiting for something that i know will not come out the way i want it to. i need the white picket fence dream to come true, if not completely true, the mostly true is fine.

it hurts to know while the white picket fence is there, the house behind it will be run down and unfortunate in size. i don't have any control over it at this point, or at least i feel like i don't have any control.
but besides that, i relinquish this control over what i want to God. He will bring me through.

The Life List

2011-05-05T23:32:00.001-05:00

Please note that this list is subject to change.

-have a boy and a girl. twins preferably.
-own a house.
-have one room in said house be a library
-create a design for a t-shirt
-revamp my entire wardrobe before i graduate college
-own a mazda (i don't care what model)
-build my own computer from scratch
-live in the philippines for at least a year
-cosplay as 1 character for 1 con
-live in an apartment for at least a year
-own a designer purse
-give my stuffed animals to charity/grandkids
-learn to write in Spencerian Script
-learn Japanese. all of it.
-work with Naughty Dog
-become a digital painter
-trace family tree (and make sure me and k2n aren't related)
-get married :)
-have enough money to own a loft
-have enough money to send both my parents on a cruise
-successfully breed chihuahuas or parakeets
-go to Houston RenFest
-and dress up for it (not cosplay!)
-voice act for a video game

-etc. etc.

on finals....

2011-05-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

I'm sure all the college kids reading this will be like, FUHYEAH :D
But really, we're in the home stretch. Gotta make it COUNT! :DD

Anyways, a few things on my mind:

1. final grades = self explanatory.
didn't really start off the year real well, but i plan on making it count for the last two weeks. I'm giving it my all, let's hope it turns out okay :)

2. last year of school = yes, yes YES.
If i'm planning this right, i SHOULD finish next spring. senior project class is only available spring semester but really, i'm just too excited to care, too excited to think straight that i might be graduating SOON. yeeeaaaaaahhhhh :D

3. HotNReady = if you know what this is, you know what i'm talking about. if you don't, that's cool too.
this is probably the most that is on my mind. i don't want it to crash and burn, but given that none of us have experience in this field, i'd say that failure IS an option. a game company in an area where the industry is NOT prominent AT ALL is enough to kill us. nevermind the talent, nevermind our drive to prove everyone wrong. this is too much for us to be up against, but that's what we do as students, we fight the world when we graduate. but in all honesty, the position i have in the group is only because i don't want someone to take it. when i mean someone, i mean SOMEONE. it was to alleviate any ill feelings, any doubts to make it. our group is already too big, already everything is against us. we'll make it work IF people step it up. i don't want no rivalry now once this whole group splits up because of bad feelings with each other, i don't go that way. seriously.

as you can see, my priorities are messed up right now. i'm in the home stretch for this semester AND for my life. this is the last two weeks of the semester but the last year of my college career (academic-wise). gotta make this COUNT :D

on a meeting...

2011-04-13T23:10:00.010-05:00

Meet Captain, my new one-legged parakeet :)

No, he's not sick. Yes, the only thing wrong with him is his missing foot. Technically he has both legs, just one foot (see the stub).

My mom had two parakeets, a boy and a girl, and the boy had died soon after she received him. She had been bugging me for a while to get a new bird and I went out looking to purchase a replacement for my mom and ended up adopting him instead. Coincidentally, it was actually at the Petsmart I used to work at. I ran into my old supervisor who, when I told her I was interested in getting a parakeet, informed me that there was a parakeet in the back up for adoption. Only thing is, he has one leg but completely healthy otherwise. He had come in like that and while there wasn't anything obviously wrong, Petsmart obviously couldn't sell him.

A quick phone call later, (my mom and) I said yes and he came home with me!
I think my old supervisor was glad that he was going home to someone she knew haha.

It's probably from the shock of moving so rapidly but he hasn't made a sound since I put him in the cage. However, he's eating (judging from the mess that's made itself out onto the floor) and just sits quietly watching everyone. Still startles a bit easily but I think he's adjusting well.

I'm thinking of slowly assimilating him to human contact because of his obvious disability. He seems just too sweet for me to pass this chance up of having a really cute bird as my feathered familiar :)

on a draco...

2011-04-06T16:05:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many of y'all have been internet savvy for a good while even before now. The time I'm referring to was when dial-up was prevalent and cable/DSL internet didn't exist. This was when THIS monstrosity was actually the shit: http://www2.warnerbros.com/spacejam/movie/jam.htm

I still shudder when I think about it.

But then again, there were those kinds of moments in the past for certain fads, certain things that were famous enough to gain the attention of everyone who just happened to pay attention. This particular moment I'm referring to talks about when the internet was just catching on to the public, when having an email address was freakin cool, and the idea of shared fanfiction was just beginning.

I think that fanart and fanfiction is the starting point of EVERY artist when they pursue their career. A professor once told me that nothing is ever original. Why? Because the "original" idea is the mushy soup of a bunch of other ideas that were taken from inspirations. The biggest question to ask people is: what inspires you? Then you'll see where they get their style from. It may be "original" as no one has seen it before, but at the same time it isn't.

On a relatedly unrelated note, the Draco Trilogy is the KING of all Harry Potter fanfiction. If you haven't read it, find a download somewhere. Cassandra Claire wrote it before she became a published author. Actually, she wrote many fanfictions before finally being published. It's awesome to just witness the coolness from her humble beginnings to the stage where she's at right now. I started reading the Draco trilogy when I was in middle school (halfway through Draco Dormiens) all the way up until the end. Then they were taken down for her to pursue being published then a few years later the City of Bones came out. Super awesome :)

If you find the Draco Trilogy (Draco Dormiens, Draco Sinister, Draco Veritas), good for you. But support her by buying her books! :)

on awkwardness..

2011-04-06T12:02:00.001-05:00

So I found something out recently.
Every time I try to sketch something out "normal," the proportions are off, her hand is positioned funny, it is not physically possible to put her foot where you want it etc. When I mean something normal, I mean something like this (please excuse the cheesy anime):

BUT it always turns out into something like this:

Awkward position, but everything turns out fine. Well, except her shoulder. She was supposed to be leaning on the wall kind of like this:

But obviously, things didn't work out. Maybe it was a combination of what I thought of her doing rather than posing? I can't do poses, that's for sure.

I think it might be a wierd quirk in my personality, that I look at things differently than others. For example, I got angry at CNN for having interviewers/commentators asking about how Japan's radiation is going to affect the U.S. Now, normal people (like my parents) responded with, "WTF, dude. Let them ask! I want to know too!" But my concern wasn't for myself (hence my view on the subject) but for the people who were already there. Apparently evacuating the area wouldn't be enough as the taint of the radiation will continue to be around. I was more for going and screaming at the CNN people, "WTF are you wondering about the U.S. for?! Go help them first! Stop freakin' talking about how much radiation a person can stand, how long it will affect, etc and actually GO and help people out dammit! It's not about us, it's about helping people you stupid commentator." Apparently, America can't take fuzzy-happy stories too well and will blow up if exposed to the emotions of the heart.

But alas, my inner cries went unheeded and then the story of Japan soon faded into backstory. There are others, but I can't really think of it off the top of my head right now.

So there you have it, a self-actualization of myself in how I view the world.

on what it could have been..[REPOST]

2011-03-19T12:45:00.000-05:00

EDIT:

In the light of the earthquake in Japan, something just hit me like a battering ram. Almost, literally.

I don't know if I ever posted this on this blog (maybe the many previous ones HAHA..moving on), but I wanted to be a Japanese teacher. My original plan was to major in generic Social Studies and minor in Asian studies and Japanese. Then get my native speaker status in Japanese, move to Japan and teach English. I decided this a year after I graduated high school.

But being the dedicated Catholic I am, I seized the moment when I figured out that God wanted me to live my dream. Even though I had chosen the path that would be easiest to become financially stable, my dream remained at the back of my mind. I still wanted to become a video game designer, but living in my parents house made it so that I had to establish my career before doing what I want to do. That same semester when I seemingly figured out the rest of my life, God made it apparent that I should go for my dream.

Two years later, an earthquake hit Japan.

If I had continued my previous major, I would be in Japan right now. I might have been in the area that was hit the hardest.

I thank the Lord that He had made His will apparent to me and opened my heart to see it.

[original post]

Slowly but surely, I will become insane.

Just kidding. No really, this solitude it getting to me.

Anyways, here I am, a twenty-ish college student dancing around in her pajamas to the radio's latest songs and pretending she's in a club. Or maybe talking to herself out loud, thinking she's on a set for some new movie or show and pretending to be someone she's not. It's a lonely life. A lonely, lonely life.

But here's the thing: I'm okay being alone. I'm okay being slightly insane.

I'm not okay with having only myself for company. Yes, I have dogs, no they don't replace my need for being around people.

This is just some random thing I've been thinking of. I like food...I think I'll go get some.

on procrastinating...

2011-03-12T12:32:00.000-06:00

one of the things I told myself I'd NEVER EVER (OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING) ever(!) do again is wait until the last minute to do my defensive drving. so, guess what I did?
I don't even think you even have to guess.
It's so frustrating how you tell yourself to do something and you think, "Oh, I have all the time in the WORLD to get it done." Then by the time you need to do defensive driving, it's two days from being due. Sucks.

Ugh, fml.

on nostalgia..

2011-03-05T00:55:00.001-06:00

I talked to him today...
that's all I have to say.

on what I don't understand..

2011-02-21T22:06:00.000-06:00

I'm not a complicated person by any means. In fact, you'd be surprised how simple a person I am.

- Give me a computer or a book and you have me entertained for a few hours at least.
- I stay home a lot, mostly by choice. I like being home and just lazing around.
- I say what I need to say when I need to say it.
- And if it doesn't need to be repeated, I won't repeat it. I can keep secrets.
- I ignore a lot of things that people do to me, just because. The other term is called "Letting People Walk All Over You."

Just a few things on my list called "Things That Don't Make [Kitty] Complicated."

So why is it that when I bring it up to people who DO "walk all over me," they get all offended?
Was it supposed to be some kind of secret? Or do they think I'm just stupid and too simple to understand?

ugh.

on pessimistic views..

2011-02-18T00:51:00.000-06:00

Believe it or not, at one point I was the angriest little girl in the world. Not at anyone in particular except BOYS. Funny, yeah?
I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately and took the time to go through some old xanga entires, myspace blurbs, even tastyword stuff, etc and just...wow, how mad at the world can one person get and tell the whole world so?

This was before I decided that I would take on the interwebs anonymously, when I decided that my name actually meant more than just a few bytes in this tiny corner of virtual space. Names weren't specifically thrown out, but if you knew me at the time, you would definitely know exactly who I was talking about. I would slander your identity right there on that virtual floor just because I was so angry with you.

I remember being particularly angry at the boys who decided that I wasn't worth the fight. For that, I now look back on it embarrassed and my soul is just doubled over, laughing at the whole stupidity of the situation. Being quite a few years older than my 15-16 years of age at the time, I can honestly say, "Damn, that shit was fucking stupid." Additionally, whoever of the male gender that has done me wrong in the idea that I'm not worth their fight, their time, or the effort, then that's okay. Because they aren't worth my time or effort either.

It was such a nice feeling to know that I've grown so much to know what is "stupid" and what is "smart." If you know me, then you would understand that I sometimes mix the two words and...yeah. My age doesn't show wisdom or experience but hell, I've learned what I learned the hard way and still remember. That's all that counts, right?

Obviously, I've changed since then. I've switched through about three+ blogs already because I'm terrified someone will find my identity and then think that whatever I'm saying is about them. Been caught once (maybe twice) and took the necessary steps to avoid being associated with those blogs. I left a few key words on the social networking areas where my (real) name actually has a place then deleted them after a specific time. My anonymity was worked hard for and if you found out who I am, then damn. I tried.

I've learned to move on and accept what's been thrown at me. I feel really bad for the people I've ranted on about and..I'm really sorry for doing so ):
But please don't tell people about my blog, haha.

on insecurities..

2011-02-09T00:13:00.000-06:00

I'm doing the 30-day photo challenge on Facebook...
It's funny because honesty is a big part of the whole process, you have to post a picture of exactly what they're asking for. It's sad because at one point, the challenge was "post a picture of someone who you do the most messed up things with." Who did I put?
No one.
I don't do messed up things with people because I'm by myself a lot. I'm a lonely, lonely person mostly by choice.

The one I'm real concerned about, though, is the one where you post a picture of your biggest insecurity. Most people I've seen put up pictures of their cutest haircut saying it's their hair, a picture showing how short they are saying it's their height or even a picture of their face.

My biggest insecurity? Myself. As a whole. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have a problem with:
- how I look, I think I'm ugly for the most part
- my height, I'm too short to be of any help for anything
- my shyness, how the hell can I stand up to anyone?!
- my quiet voice, nasally and otherwise self-explanatory
- my inability to have one really good talent, I don't dance anymore, I can't act, my singing could use some work
- my teeth, which have been moving back to their un-straight-before-braces glory AND yellow because I don't bleach them
- my weight, because I can't gain any nor lose any, therefore looking like a toothpick and worrying over fat only I can see/feel
- my fashion sense, what fashion sense?
- my hair, wavy, poofy, frizzy, nothing like how Asian hair should be
- my nerdiness, could be toned down more and make me seem like a normal girl

The list could go on and on. This was only a SMALL sample.
It bothers me how I see myself, I can't see myself as a beautiful person. I mean, yes there are things that people think about that they could change but what if those things are just EVERYTHING about them?

As much as I see so many things wrong with myself, I also see it as things that I cannot see myself changing.
They are what they make me.

I think that's all I can say for right now..

on what it could have been..

2011-02-07T18:01:00.000-06:00

Seeing as I'm at that stage of college where a lot of time I spend is by myself at home alone, I've begun this process of thinking of things that are usually not thought about/irrelevant to what's going on at the time.

Slowly but surely, I will become insane.
Just kidding. No really, this solitude it getting to me.

Anyways, here I am, a twenty-ish college student dancing around in her pajamas to the radio's latest songs and pretending she's in a club. Or maybe talking to herself out loud, thinking she's on a set for some new movie or show and pretending to be someone she's not. It's a lonely life. A lonely, lonely life.

But here's the thing: I'm okay being alone. I'm okay being slightly insane.
I'm not okay with having only myself for company. Yes, I have dogs, no they don't replace my need for being around people.

This is just some random thing I've been thinking of. I like food...I think I'll go get some.

on character..

2011-01-11T22:59:00.000-06:00

or rather, more than one of them.

I was watching the behind the scenes videos for uncharted 2 (about to start on UC1 videos too!) and it was cool and all, listening to them explain how they made their game. Of course, they touched on all the concepts that made their game GOTY for 2009. But on in particular was on the one on cinematics and a character-driven plot, like as far as video games go.
As I was watching this video, it reminded me of movies, other video games, and books (mostly books) that I realized right at that moment were character driven. It's not about HOW to tell the story, it's WHO or WHAT is going to tell the story. Obviously in this case it's the characters by way of the games.

To tell you the truth, I compare playing video games to reading books. Most of the time, I'm put off by the whole thing by how the story was told...BUT there are some things in there that make you read it. And it's not the story itself (though if it's bad enough, it is) not because of how interesting the main idea or the situation/setting, it's because of the relationship that the player/reader will feel with the character.

Now to make the comparison. Twilight.
Yes, Twilight. It was a big hit, why? Because of the characters. Have you noticed that the only non-tv/visual things that hit society like a battering ram are the stories that have a good cast? Everyone wants to jump Edward's or whatever wolfy's name's bones because Stephenie Meyer wrote the story of the cast so well. It's not about the vampire-human love story, because everyone knows that's been overdone EVERYWHERE, it's about the characters.

So to tie this in with the character-driven plot, that's exactly what it sounds like. The characters have to tell the story, not a narrator, not us figuring it out. It has to be believable and totally about the character(s) and THEIR story, not where we want to put them.
In relation to video games, if the familiarity with the character is there, then the connection is made and the story remains dependent on the characters themselves.

Totally deep but not really, if that made any sense.

on resolutions..

2011-01-01T02:34:00.000-06:00

I never have any so, ha, this is a first!

My New Year's Resolution is:
learning the concept of "hanging out"

trust me on this one, I don't know what it means.

All my life, I was a loner. Not because of how I was because I'm crazy, but rather by choice. It's funny when I hear the term "hanging out" I think of just being in the company of the person talking...and talking a lot, and talking some more. Seriously. That's all I really hear about when someone "hangs out" with another: how much they talked. But when I listen some more, it sounds like something just short of being a date. You go places, eat somewhere like Chipotle, and walk around and shop most of the time. Which is cool, except for the fact that I'm broke. So that type of "hanging out" it above and beyond me.

To tie it all together, I found out that me and "hanging out" don't mix. Whenever I come across it, I get nervous. Because what are we supposed to do? Walk around until one gets tired? Shop? Eat somewhere? I don't know and I don't want to make that decision because I don't know what I'm doing in the first place! To make it even better, here I am, telling this person that we'll try to "hang" next time, and the next time, and...yeah I think you get it. It frustrating for me as much as it is (imaginably so) for the other person.

So here's the deal, I'm gonna try and understand this concept. Because really, it's an annoying struggle for me (mentally) to try and figure it out so I"m going to finally get it. I really will!

Happy New Years everyone! :)

on de ja vu..

2010-12-19T23:40:00.000-06:00

Something that's been on my mind lately is the peculiar phenomenon called de ja vu. The wikipedia definition is "the experience of feeling sure that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation, even though the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain and were perhaps imagined." It's really weird that I've been experiencing this for the past week or so, especially at school or work, because I hardly ever experience it. When I mean hardly ever, I don't remember the last time I even experienced it until now.

Last week was finals week and to be honest, anyone how was not going insane is just plain insane if that made any sense at all. Putting that into perspective makes it more normal to be even close to delusional if no already going crazy. However despite the stress and everything that's been put into play, one particular moment just replays in my mind. Even better, I have a weird retina-burned image in my head from what I saw (not what I imagined)

As no one knows (it's a secret! shhh~), a group of us at school are starting a game company and unfortunately (haha, just kidding) we've all sort of kind of became study buddies in the process. Meaning we trade secrets/help each other out with gaming assignments etc. SO in this particular moment, there was about 6-7 of us in the room. I was planning to leave just then and wasn't really paying attention to the words spoken but a few seconds later I heard a good friend of mine jokingly yell at another one of the group which resulted in an insult trade-off/banter. When I looked up, I had the strongest feeling of de ja vu that even now, with the common occurrence of it, still ranks as the strongest. In truth, all I saw was a normal sight: the 6-7 of the guys messing around and joking and being loud, doing whatever the hell that guys do.

A flash of mind and I saw the same group, in a room full of cubicles, having cubicle warfare. We had each our own personal space to put a name to but somehow had made it so all of the spaces were okay to lounge/barge into. The atmosphere was very light, but very serious at the same time. I was thinking (it was actually a VERY fleeting thought) that maybe we were in the middle of production and we were all just taking a break to mess with each other before getting down to the heavy duty work. This is actually kind of creepy but I was thinking that it was nighttime and we were spending the night at the office (man, we're getting into details now haha)..

And it put the reality of the situation to mind: we are about to go head-to-head with some of the best in the industry out there. We're gonna refuse to be bought by Activision, ea, and all those crappy game companies and make GOOD games. We're gonna spend the next few years or so together, building clients, renting out a space, making 3d things, forcing us all together to work this situation out and practically live together while keeping track of our own lives. It was actually kind of scary.

But I knew, without a doubt, that we would be alright. If this thing falls out, we'll be strong enough friends, strong enough of a family, to work together and make it turn out okay.

on writing.

2010-12-12T21:48:00.000-06:00

For the one person (maybe) who reads my blogs, I would like to apologize for the seemingly half-hearted ness of these past few months with random updates that are there to just be there..
because that's exactly what I updated for LOL

One thing though that has kept me intact for most of the semester is writing. It's funny that I mention it now because I realized recently that writing isn't really a hobby for me, but a need. Without explaining in so many words, it's become what I've needed it for the most when I actually feel the urge to write.
Even better, it started out as outlet for my anger. I was very upset with someone when I first started writing and didn't really feel that yelling at him (and her, kind of) would help any. So it became a wonderful pastime to think of ways that he would get dumped by her and write about it . Or maybe, daydream the exact method and way that I would meet the guy that (as far perfect-boyfriendness go) would be the perfect slap to his cheating, unfaithful face!

Needless to say, the second part didn't happen even though I DID meet someone that far surpassed his unworthyness. And the best part? He got dumped a year after he left me :)

Otherwise, my writing became the source and outlet for my creative works. If I couldn't feel it, move it, or draw it, I wrote it. I wrote the emotions, I wriote the setting, everything. Bland or colorful in words, I make sure that what I wrote has the important stuff down.

Taking it into the present time, my writing becomes whatever I need it to be. If it's an outlet, a branch off of boredom, or even just for fun, I write if I can. I have many ideas and given that I can forget real easily, I write them. Thankfully, I have the skill to portray what I need to when I write/type it out. I can't say them.

So you know now, if I write it to you, it's the honest truth and will be as if it came from my own mouth :)

on VS PINK..

2010-11-23T14:44:00.000-06:00

It's a holiday contest on Polyvore. You don't have to have an account, just connect with Facebook and the prizes are:

First: $500 shopping spree, a feature on VSPINK.com AND VSPINK Facebook's page.

Second and Third: $250 shopping spree and the two features as well :)

Go enter! NOW!

on hair and cuts..

2010-11-16T19:36:00.000-06:00

that I got today!
Yes, believe or not, I have finally cut my hair! It's been two long years since I've had my last hair cut and to be completely honest, this is my most favorite cut to date :)
For those who don't know me very well, I hardly ever cut my hair. Like EVER...EVER ever. So actually having the guts to go and get my hair cut is a pretty big stinkin' deal.
Using Vanessa Hudgens as an example, it went from here (it went down to my butt):

To here (except my hair isn't as curly-ish):

The hair I have now is just so...LIGHT. It's so thick but now I just know it's gonna be weird when I shower, comb, everything!

But that's it.

I HAVE A NEW HAIRCUT. YAY!

on the next best thing..

2010-11-01T22:46:00.000-05:00

Halloween is over. HALLELUJAH life can move on finally!
been doing nothing lately but work, school, more work, annnndd MORE work!
but it's done now :) halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over! halloween is over!
please excuse my obvious relief and excitement :)

some things that have been on my mind lately:

-tattoo?
my sister's thinking of having a family tat, probably just for me and my sisters. so maybe in the future, the women in my family gets one? hmmm.. found a pretty james avery necklace that matched the "ohana" theme she had going on. I just sent her the picture to see if we could base a design off of it :)

-game company
ceo-in-training decided to go to investors this weekend. bad idea. possibly trying to convince him to look at other things we need to do first..like get a work permit/business license thingy, then scope out places we want to be in, etc cuz if we just do this from next to nothing AND present them something with next to nothing on us, then NO we won't get funded ):
houston is an awful city for designers, boo us.

that's it for now. too wired on caffeine to do me any good studying tonight, we'll see how i'll do tomorrow :)

on school...so far..

2010-09-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of excited really. I think this semester is just going to be catch up because there are only about two classes a semester offered at UH-SL/UHV. A bit annoying, but really what can I do about it?
I'm taking Gaming Networks and Architecture, Animation 2 and Advanced Animation. I'm actually taking 5 classes total, but the other two aren't game related.

The classes so far are pretty harmless. I'm gonna learn Python code in Game Networks, how to bone models (yes, I said it!) and face morphs, and have a more in-depth view of animation in general. But I think the part that's really exciting for me is just the fact that I'm actually learning my dream. I've wanted to 3d model and design games for so long, it's as if I'm in a surreal situation right now. Nothing is going to prepare me for the moment when I tell people, "I design games. I love what I'm doing!"

It's just so crazy to think a few years ago I was thinking of being a nurse because it's the dreaded back up major. Seriously. I don't want to be a nurse (for personal reasons) and I believe that if your heart is in it, God will bring you through it. I love what I'm learning, what I'm designing, everything!

:)

on halloween...

2010-08-27T16:39:00.001-05:00

it's that time of season again!
Halloween Express, here we go!

on opinions...

2010-08-11T23:11:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: this post contains my religious beliefs, please don't hate. hater comments WILL be deleted. if you wish to have a civilized discussion with me, a pleasant comment is appreciated.

So, a dA artist I had respected A LOT decided to post that (in a nutshell) all religions are complete bullshit and the idea of a God existing is a complete and utter lie. Oh yeah, and that the Bible is a lie.

Here's their source for the "50 simple proofs":

http://godisimaginary.com

here are my nitpicky things about this:

- it uses the very source of the faith, the Bible, as their "proof" and mistranslating the verses to make it support their own reasons

- the guy who posted his opinion later deleted the post and stated that he "didn't expect so much backfire but will stand with his beliefs."

why be a hypocrite when you can aggravate so many Christians out there? or maybe why would atheists need a Bible to back up their own claims? seriously if using the very document that was written to proclaim God's word and then say that it doesn't is like, pulling excuses out of their asses. it's weak and it's stupid.

OH, here's an example.

godisimaginary: 1. try praying. because when you pray, nothing happens. you don't automatically get a chilidog and smoothie when you pray for it. In the Holy Bible, it states that when you ask, you will receive.

the ACTUAL thing with praying: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. isaiah 55:8

in a nutshell: you don't actually need it, so you won't get it. because God decides what you need and will base that against what you ask for. even if it means to cure cancer, He won't.

and why should He? or rather, why not? why can't he stop the h1n1 from killing people or the flu virus to create different strings that we can't prevent ourselves from getting? why can't our knees bend backwards? or better yet, why is the world not flat?!

okay, i'll stop. seriously. this is just so irritating how people will state their religious/anti-religious beliefs and then expect people not to say anything. it's called "coexisting" you stupid people.

UGH.

on Steubenville 2010..

2010-06-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

no word can describe it...the closest one i can think of is "awesome" :D

i was so stressed last week though, it was like i was being pulled down just for the sake of seeing me down.
i was trying so hard to prepare myself for steubenville south, but to no avail, i was not as excited as i was supposed to be.

i think being His servant to these youth really saved me this weekend. the talks gave me fuel, not only for myself but also for the youth when they need a helpful word or two in the future. when their fire is gone after this conference, they'll know they can depend on us.

adoration really helped me know my place as a servant. i was so worried about the kids being okay and whatnot (it was sooo charismatic :D) that i just kind of put myself aside. before i knew it, i was bawling just as much as they were about an hour before. you never expect the unexpected...DUH.
but still, i wanted to serve these kids first before i sat down and had a moment for myself. not even a minute passed and i heard God saying, "okay, now it's your turn" and the crying started.

it was just so cool to see Him move through the kids. the icing on the cake (i think) was when the girls and boys didn't want to be separated for the night. we had completely separate sleeping areas, but it really touched me that they all didn't want to be separated because of their bond :)

as of now, we all arrived at the church around 630-7ish and now i'm super super tired lol
see y'all :)

on a summer...

2010-06-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

....MIKE. I SEE YOUUU<3

anyways, summer has started :D it's been summer for almost a month now for me, but unfortunately the church talent show and other events have taken up my time D:

by the way, STAYin' Alive 2010 rocked :D I am so proud of the people who made it possible and also to the performer's who gave our church community a little piece of themselves and their talent :) Father KK stayed throughout the whole night if that's any indication of the success of this show!

on another note, i've been kind of lazy LOL
riru slept over last night because her family went to the philippines and she had to stay home for school. it was funny how we're so similar, we do what we have to do but spend all our time on computers cuz there's nothing else to do XD

some of my summer activities include:
- working, working working
- steubenville south 2010!!!
- ayc 2010!!
- random church activities
- ate annie's wedding :D
- 3D animation with larry and the guys :D
- read bloodhound by tamora pierce
- buy the rest of her circle of magic books i don't have
- buy a new computer
- read, read, read
- draw, draw, draw
- gain ten pounds
- eat healthier

some things i need to do asap though are to buy a new hair straightener (because my sister is going out of town for college) and learn how to sew with the sewing machine.
the first one is self explanatory, but the reason for the second one is i bought these $3 shorts from walmart. you might be thinking, okay cool so what's up with that?
upon closer examination, it is apparent that these shorts are made of 100% cotton AND if i draw out these patterns right, i can make some of my own. originally they were about $10. if i use $1/yd fabric at jo ann's and some time, voila! instant summer shorts. i've already fallen in love with them and want to experiment with different fabrics..besides, my turn to learn how to use the sewing machine is long overdue since my mom bought her new high-tech sewing machine when i was in high school.

ugh...when i have some money, i'll be able to make all these things myself..
stupid college..makes you go broke.

on finals..

2010-05-12T23:01:00.001-05:00

LAST FINAL IS TOMORROW!!!!

AWO;EIFNASDJFHAUI7893uioawed*(cM0Q2aq9weflv,m{IKF"PW:P@)_#()TIDFU(*UR

on tattoos..

2010-04-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

been looking into them lately..
but here's the milestone I have to pass before I get one: I have to weigh at least 110 lbs.

[WARNING: IMAGE HEAVY POST.]

why? because I want to donate blood.
yes, yes I know that if you get a tattoo, you have to wait a year before donating.
but what if I reach 110 lbs in that time?
see, another problem i have right now is my high metabolism. if I got one now, weighed 110, realized OHSNAPICANDONATEBLOOD, then wait maybe a month then i'll probably weigh less...AGAIN.
so, no can do.

I want an image of something..swirly, stars, and maybe a cool tribal thing :D NO WORDS PLS
in the meantime, here are some inspirations i have (COUGHthatIpulledfromdeviantart/googleCOUGH) for the placement and designs :)

I really like where this one is, it follows the curve of her body and emphasizes it :)
This is where I want mine to be placed, and I love the swirlies and the stars too :)

as a way to rub my nerddom in people's faces, these are probably some of them LOL
I absolutely LOVE pikachu :) If there's any pokemon that I would have tattooed on my body, it would be pikachu. second is pichu, then a pair of plusle and minun.
If pikachu is not enough, I'm probably going to get plusle above one ankle and minun above the other >:D

STARS = /squeeee
without a doubt, stars are going to be part of the design. period.

seeing as how I'm not even set yet with the weight thing, I am not dead set on ANY tattoo; design or placement, etc.
what I do know for sure is what I mentioned above OH and I absolutely MUST get one on my hip...
because it's sexy and if I realize it's a bad idea in the end, I (and k3n) would be the only ones who know. YUH.

so anyways, tattoos = big MAYBE
while we're on the body marking topic, piercings are on the list too.
this is the only piercing I want as of now:

no, I don't want a normal cartilage one. one sister has one, the other wants one.
belly button piercing is not an option, said sister has one as well AND my belly button is uhh...stupid :/

anyways, i think that's it LOL
for those that see tattoos as against Catholic Religion, well..it's not.
PROOF -> http://www.cuf.org/faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffid=233
the idea is just that:
a. if it's a MAJOR health risk or causes mutilation, THEN NO DON'T GET ONE (it's against protection of life teaching)
b. if you're using it to spite someone aka not for yourself, THEN NO DON'T GET ONE (it's against obedience of authority teaching)
c. if it offends others or "[in]compatible with love of God and neighbor", THEN NO DON'T GET ONE (it's hypocrisy, plain and simple)

In conclusion, this tattoo is for me and not because I want to show the world how cool I am /rolls eyes
It will mark a milestone in my life and if I do this right, will NOT in any way show an explicit message and (for the most part) WILL be on a part of the body that CAN be covered up (or taken out after it heals) if need be. And last time I checked, ear piercings were not against the bible. I already have my earlobes pierced. two spots on my cartilage won't hurt anybody, I have long hair.

WELL, night all.
♥

on books...

2010-04-11T00:34:00.000-05:00

It's been AGES since I've last read a book. (Ages = February...maybe since last year D:)

While other students in the gaming department at school are not at all interested in books (*COUGH*k3n*COUGH*) I happen to be fascinated by them :D Books are like video games to me, I get completely engrossed into them and would even pass up breaks to finish one.

It's like when I read the 5th Harry Potter book when it first came out: 15 hours. One bathroom break and one quick (10 min!) meal.
Compare this to 8 hours playing Kingdom Hearts II on the day it was released and I had only just got out of Twilight Town! I used to be really slow with video games at that time haha

They really are similar to me..the way a book is written is the gameplay and logistics. The story and characters (for both) are emotionally riveting and cry-worthy. They both give a sense of control of the world, no matter how they present it. Whether it's interactive or you're just a spectator.

What really gets me though is the story. There is nothing like a good story that will keep you entertained. Maybe that's why I become so deep into the book or the video game. The best ones are the kind that make you believe that you are actually part of the world. Like if you wished a little more, you can actually change something in that world. It's funny sometimes how easily our imagination crafts something so intricate and changeable when it isn't so easy for us to do that for ourselves. Sort of like a parallel? Or whatever you call it, I forgot my literary terms from high school x]

Gonna go and try to find some good reads.. :)
♥

on a mindbump..

2010-04-07T23:58:00.000-05:00

suggested by Sunfire's Random Babblings

"If you had stayed with your first love or your high school sweetheart, what would your life be like now?"

One word: unhappy.
If you know me, you KNOW without a doubt, he cheated. There is no way he could've covered it up nor would I have stayed with him anyway once I found out (and obviously, I did).

I probably would've still been friends with "her." I still don't blame her because half the time I didn't even know what was going on with the situation, let alone know that he was cheating on both of us.
And dude, let's not call him "sweetheart." He is now known from this point as The Ex.

Looking back on it, I was just stupid. WAY too stupid to realize that I was being used for the sole purpose as a personal eye candy for The Ex. He didn't show that he respected me or my body at all and focused more on the physical aspect of the relationship once that option became open to him. Anything I said against him would be shot down for the sole purpose that he's going to have a chance at getting some.

And thank God, no, I did NOT sleep with him.

Fast forwarding a bit to the current time, my circle of friends would be smaller. I would never have gone for my dream, instead peer pressure would've forced me to major in something more "practical" but I failed at just because I would be one of them. I would've been living well, knowing that my finances would be taken cared of because his family is not super rich but pretty well off.

Remember when I said I would've been unhappy?
Money isn't everything. Something that I've noticed (and his friends as well) is that he tends to fix things with money. I can tell it's not intentional since he didn't grow up with a lack of it, he just doesn't know how to handle situations without needing money.

I would've been a trophy wife and maybe a stay-at-home mom. I can't stay still and I can't stay at home for long periods of time without seeing people. No awkwardness in our group of friends would be obvious, nor would we have been divided because The Ex was being stupid. I would have a large group of girlfriends (even though I get along better with the guys) and do all these girly things.

But whatever. My first love and high school sweetheart, k3n, are two completely different people. Because of the whole ordeal with The Ex, I found k3n through my period of emo-ness.

I'm really glad that I pushed through and I really don't mind not going out to fancy places or getting expensive gifts. In fact, I wouldn't really like getting expensive gifts, it's such a guilt trip for me ):

As an ending note, I want to say something to the ladies: don't turn down people because of their face, their clothes, or anything of that sort. Because when you find "the one," it won't matter because he WILL be the sexiest man alive to you.
Sorry to kind of end this post with a kind of cliffhanger/sudden stop...been trying to get my writing back up lately.

<3

on nostalgia of the past...

2010-03-27T01:53:00.000-05:00

i just read all my previous posts up until my most recent one...

man, i'm such a self-absorbed person D:

on a recap..

2010-03-22T23:32:00.000-05:00

so OH MAN. spring break was awesome :)

it started off with a flag football get together at oyster creek park, then lifeteen on sunday :)

oh and two movie nights in a row! haha, that was awesome. the first one was KIND of planned. the second was on a whim and we watched The Exorcist. It wasn't so bad actually, everyone just kept talking all the way through it. we make these stupid jokes about it now, so i guess i'm cool with horror movies for now :)

but FINALLY. midterms are over!!!

I just finished this week with the last of them. the final tally is:

- cityscape for texturing,lighting,shading

- character concept art (front, back, and 3/4 view of head) for concept art

- EVERYTHING from the beginning of the semester and a fantasy vehicle for techniques of game art

- the ninja cats video with the sounds remade for audio

- story and style guide 2 for game theory

- 12 shots and 36-48 roughs for storyboarding

whew, i'm really all done :)

we started on character texturing, even though it's just the head right now, and it's really difficult. I STILL don't understand it all that much but I was too wired from finished all my midterms to stay focused during class.

on a different note, how many readers do i have?

i willing to believe it's absolutely zero. but prove me wrong?

on the contents of my wallet...

2010-03-03T16:15:00.000-06:00

went around on different blogs and somehow i stumbled on Face Your Pockets.

basically it's a project where people submit pictures of whatever is in their pockets and their face on a scanner.

going along the same idea, i've decided to be a dork and post the contents of my wallet LOL

i absolutely hate carrying anything in my pockets that isn't my cell phone because it's so thin!

i broke it down into categories because it's just a bunch of nonsense (so i think) so, here goes :)

- must-haves: driver's license, insurance card, school ID card, and my medjugorie medal/card thing

- because i like them: chastity card, confessions card, a note my bf got a bestie of mine to draw for me because he wanted me to have something cute

- just because: gamestop card with my employee number on it, sephora beautyinsider card, and dulce tapioca card

- monetary value: cash (i won't say how much! it's too much to carry around, that's for sure!), a receipt from HEB, and my hello kitty debit card :D

there you go :)

please excuse my randomness, i'm just on a huge sugar high 8D

but go to Face Your Pockets!

i think it's kinda cool. go check it out :)

on ohhhh man...

2010-03-01T19:51:00.000-06:00

it's been a while XD

just for a quick recap:

- the retreat was awesome :) had some issues with some kids but hey, can't complain. we all got something out of it :)

my talk went well, a lot of people were saying i did really well but i still can't shake off the feeling of my stage fright even now x]

- school is getting really hectic. like no lie. for those of you who think that a game design major is just playing games all day, i will personally slap the living daylights out of you.

just this week home work consisted of: a style/design packet, 100 sq ft level (fully textured, etc), 15 sketches of poses using shapes, 5 semi-clean sketches of action poses, and 3 inked perspective drawings

...yay

anyways, that's pretty much it.

excuse me while i attack the mound of homework.

on some thoughts..

2010-01-29T17:57:00.000-06:00

when boy meets girl and boy is single, he instantly assesses some of his chances with these guidelines:

a. is girl taken?

b. is she hot?

c. do i like her personality?

maybe NOT exactly these guidelines, but it comes pretty close.

if choice "a" is true, then they

coupled in with:

d. DO I HAVE A CHANCE IF SAID BOYFRIEND LEAVES???

but of course, some ignore ALL rules and guidelines and proceed to go with choice "e":

e. try to date her

/rant start

it annoys me sometimes how guys can be really facetious and plow through despite all warning signs and stuff. they say "i'm not like THAT kind of guy!"

well, i know you are all "not" the same, but somehow you do the same things? hmm...

what really bothers me most is the fact when a girl will blatantly speak up for her boyfriend and put them down nicely with a "yeah, my boyfriend and i are going to go see a movie this weekend"

in girl talk, it means: back off. i'm taken AND i spend time with him too.

ugh.

sorry, i situation has come up where i had repeatedly told this guy that i had a boyfriend but he kept thinking that i would somehow possibly dump my boyfriend and go out with him.

um, no.

i had made it clear (more than once!) that i'm taken. i had even mentioned plans of marriage more than once. not only that, he had somehow convinced himself that i would do all the things he thought. it makes me furious at some guys' audacity. if she's taken, back off. she doesn't want you.

/rant end

in all seriousness, i'm really upset with how it turned out. this guy had convinced himself of all the above and forgot somehow about our really close friendship.

in other words, he had put more priority with trying to date me than the fact that i saw him as a brother and knew that our friendship would fall apart if we pursued anything more.

but oh well, some guys don't know their boundaries. some even have the gall of accusing you of "leading you on."

well you know what? it's those that accuse who are the reasons why nice girls are dead.

because someone misunderstood it for something more.

i'm sorry, but i'm not gonna stand here and be one of those girls you accuse.

you set yourself up for this. the end.

on my dream house..

2010-01-22T19:26:00.000-06:00

they don't know me..but some of my favorite bloggers posted a virtual housewarming party! needless to say, i want in! XD

not trying to sound all chismosa, but hey. should be fun :)

you walk in and the first thing you'll notice is how much light is in the house. open rooms, open windows, open doors (except the front!). photos that k3n and i have taken ourselves adorn the walls everywhere, perfectly placed but not OCD-like. the main room has blankets and pillows everywhere, while the kitchen and game room are spotless. gleaming pots and pans are put away in the cupboards and food items neatly stacked and packed in the fridge and pantry (or the marble counters where they serve as decor AND food :D). there is absolutely nothing out of place in the kitchen because of it's frequent use. the chairs are bar height and the table is a glass/wood combination.

the game room is a whole lot of organized mess: games in a large bookcase, consoles almost shoved next to the HDTV, pillows thrown haphazard onto the comfiest couch in the house. for some reason, it still looks clean. probably because everything is in it's own place.

journey into the master bedroom and it's as organized as the game room: organized and clean but not like the kitchen. nothing is on the floor everything else is on the bed or on the desk. i've always wanted a sophisticated looking bathroom. it's always fun getting ready when the bathroom is just as awesome as you are :) and clear glass sliding door shower and separate tub do well :) if not, then it's not one of those tub/shower combinations with the sliding door on top. YUCK D: and it doesn't matter if there's only one sink. i'm not picky :)

back to decoration, it's very random but not so much random as it is personality. the pictures are things that k3n and i like, not things that would look good. ornaments and other decor range from the stocky dark coffee table to the crazy painting hung inside the game room. nothing looks out of place, only out of normal range for what's normal if that made any sense at all x] the floor would be all wood, or tile as it is in the kitchen and bathrooms.

if there were any kids to speak of, i would demand that at least nothing goes on the floor in their rooms. they can put a pile of crap on the bed but nothing, absolutely NOTHING has to be on the floor.

i think that's it.

i can't really remember anything else i would like to add about the house...maybe k3n can help me later :)

on boredom..

2010-01-14T19:47:00.000-06:00

after tonight, i only have five more days until school..YES! FINALLY!

if you're confused at my obvious jubilation, sitting at home while everyone else in your family has something better to do is very tedious.

i had to resort to cleaning up at home in their absence. YUCK.

anyways, all this time to clean also left some time to think.

and looking through my emails, i remembered that i'm doing a talk at the upcoming retreat which is less than a month O_o

SO, i took some time today to get to know a little more ;)

the talk i'm doing at the retreat is going to be about metanoia.

the Merriam-Webster definition is "a transformation/change of heart especially a spiritual conversion."

basically, how a change of attitude (or attitudes) affected your spiritual life.

while i haven't had any recent conversions into other religions (i've been catholic my whole life),

my spiritual life has been very up and down.

to get straight to the point, i didn't know where to go with my talk and i think by today, i've made some progress :)

i've decided to use seasons. as in summer, fall, winter, spring.

summer is for the beginning, when there's time to think, time to be carefree, time to be open.

fall is for when it starts getting a bit chilly, the obstacles start as small things that gradually become bigger as time progresses.

winter is cold and dark. 'nuff said.

spring is for new beginnings. more than 'nuff said.

it's going to be difficult, as some of the things that i've experienced in my past is a little hard to admit.

even to myself.

but i really hope and pray that even though i may face humiliation and ridicule..

i've healed maybe that tiny part of myself in the process :)

on a new year :)

2010-01-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

EDIT: 122210, changed some flow and confusion issues with the story. it's not good if the writer doesn't know what she was referring to when she wrote it LOL

now...back to the previous program

hello, my audience of none. 'tis a new year :)

i' d like to start by mentioning my one and only resolution for the new year:

-be more creative. whether it be by writing, drawing, anything.

i'm going to be a game designer and i don't want to get into it without having a proper sense of creativity.

so onwards to my new project!

i wrote a piece of fiction some time ago (COUGH 4YEARS AGO COUGH) and just now unearthed and edited it.

It has no name, as does my ongoing story and fantasy world that resides in my brain. only my characters and the places they stay in.

i now proudly display it :) please don't steal<3

**START

Music was booming loudly in the warm summer’s night. It blared over the thunder in the distance, while the sweaty people danced in the stuffy air. No one was worried about the oncoming storm, there was a few hours left until morning. Academy students gathered in droves inside the abandoned ranch. Despite the country’s downfall, her students still lived life as if nothing was wrong because to them, a corrupt leader isn’t reason for not having a party. There was nothing else to do anyway. The summer was ending. They were here to have “fun” on their last few nights of freedom. But to Lily, these evenings weren’t worth enjoying.
She was sitting in the far off corner near the back where few people noticed she was there, leaning back, legs and arms crossed, and occasionally bobbing her head to the music. Every once in a while, she was called on by a member of the said better gender, who would try to coax her into what she called “sex with your clothes on.” It happened all the time; they would mistake her for a girl wanting to have a little intimacy and then be blown away by some curt words and the finger. The drunken guy in question stumbled away, muttering profanities under his breath about the “bitch in the corner.”
Lily sighed and took a sip of her untouched drink. For numerous summers she dealt with guys like that in the Underground. Homeless and (at the time) too young for their pleasures, they were kind enough to give shelter to their only female member after she managed to pickpocket the leader of the resistance group. Since then, she’s proven her worth, making her untouchable and easily ranked among the men.
As she grew older, they watched over her, making sure she was comfortable in their adopted family. Her brothers in combat even went as far as to demand funds from said leader to send her to the best school in the capital city while she was still young. However during the summer, she was trained to be one of them and joined raids into the Royal campus. Then school would start up again, signaling the end of their adventures. When she graduated from Primary and joined the Academy for a higher education, she was assigned as leader to a unit. This summer marks the third year of their anniversary.
“Hello pixie.” Oh, joy. Another drunk wants in on the goods.
Annoyed, Lily flipped her dark hair over her shoulder and bared her fangs at the man. “Go away,” she growled. “I don’t want to dance with you.”
The man ignored her, choosing to instead sit in the chair opposite. “I heard you scared my friend away.”
She sipped her drink again, annoyed at the unwanted attention. “Maybe I’ll scare you away too if you don’t leave me alone. If not, some of my other friends might want to do it instead.” He chuckled in response, unmoved by her threat.
It was an empty threat, that much the guy knew from his smirk and leering eyes. Lily was all alone. Her unit had gone out on a mission again, stating that the objective was against her womanly morals. She put her second-in-command to fill in, leaving her with no one from “inside’ to dance with or play bodyguard. They were all outsiders, these youth around her. She didn’t know a single one of them and it frightened her. Nonetheless, he kept talking as if she cared about anything he was saying to her.
A young man broke away from the lively crowd, grinning confidentially as he strode towards her. Light, aquamarine eyes locked onto her dark ones, his sharp facial features and thin lips curved into a smirk. She eyed him warily, choosing to stay put instead of bolting like her instincts told her to.
He stopped in front of her, bowing deeply before extending his hand. “I’ve heard you are quite a frightening young lady, Arcalem,” he said, using the Aylar word for “Ms.” Or “young Ms.” The previous young man who had boldly sat across from Lily was openly fuming.
His grin grew wider, “They warned me, but I paid no heed. Would you like to dance?” He said it almost kindly, his eyes grinning in amusement.
She knew he was mocking the old tradition, the one His Great and Holy Crappiness abolished. To his delight, she accepted his offer with a nod. “I’m Vince,” he said. Then he gently grabbed her hand as he led her to the floor.
In truth, she was now terrified. He was an outsider, or if he wasn’t, he didn’t give any indication that he was part. This man, holding her hand and winding through the people, she had never seen him before in her life.

**FIN

happy new year everyone :)

on what's going on..

2009-12-28T00:21:00.000-06:00

i feel wonderfully lazy, like just laying in bed forever because i know for fact that God will not give me something i cannot handle.

on after Christmas..

2009-12-26T22:52:00.000-06:00

merry after Christmas day!! :D

my Christmas wasn't really all that eventful..

got to spend time with k3n and his awesome family x]

then went to a family part and saw my sponsored child and spent time with them XD

it turns out that we knew them like way before and we watched home videos that i didn't even know we were in..

but anyways, we know them better now. we were just too shy back then x]

and now, it just "eh."

at work this morning i wanted to cry though because of the sale.

so many people came in and my almost nonexistent claustrophobia went crazy,

so i hung out by the DS corner because hardly anyone went in there.

i got to spend time today with the NDY as well :)

had fun playing L4D2 with nicole XD

and trying to put on a brave face when mike accidentally hit me XD

as far as the winter retreat goes, i'm written down for the metanoia talk..

and i'm completely at lost with it.

i'm thinking of backing out.

i don't think i'm ready for it.

i dunno what holds for me in the future though.

we'll see :)

on finals..again..

2009-12-01T23:58:00.000-06:00

the title says it all.

it's that time of the year again!

gamestop is fun :)

my second day was actually on black friday which wasn't so bad lol

minus my slight claustrophobia and OCD, it went pretty well :)

finals is actually next week, not this week but this is the week that the first half of projects are due..

like, let's say, a demo for game design class due tomorrow.

which i didn't do.

at all.

List of Projects due by next week:

- level for 3D modeling

- level for level design

- programming game

can i die now?

on updates...

2009-11-13T22:07:00.000-06:00

oh wow...it's been a while huh?

i've been sooo busy the past month with my sister's debut, school, and (FINALLY) starting at GameStop next thursday :D

anyways.

some things to keep in mind:

1. i've been having unfortunate disagreements with kervin lately.

i dunno if it's because that we've been so busy with school or that i'm starting to get stressed from everything.

2. Hammer - PHALE

seriously, they need to fix that software or SOMETHING. i suck at it so bad, i love 3DS max more D:

3. elise's debut.

practices (which are going okay) and giveaway items (not so okay)

i seriously have only 130 of the bows done. i need to make 300. total.

shoot me now D8

that's been my life in a nutshell for the past month or so D:

i don't know how this year's holiday season is gonna go, but with my christmas season job at GameStop and everything...

yeah.

on midterms (again)...

2009-10-22T15:24:00.000-05:00

I turned in my Level Design Midterm. Finally.

However, it wasn't even complete ):

Now, I'm not trying to advocate the "If you're an art major and you have a major project that is due, turn it in incomplete anyway" idea.

However, the program is just so difficult to work with.

(Just an FYI, I'm using the Source SDK for Half-Life 2 in my Level Design Class.

Needless to say, I'm struggling with it really badly.)

So, my level hasn't been peer edited/graded (yes, at the same time. The turned in works are put on the projector as the professor plays them).

Call me daft or really dimwitted with this program but I quite literally suck at it.

on midterms..

2009-10-20T22:55:00.001-05:00

if you're not in college/already graduated...

lucky!

it's midterms week and i'm struggling like crazy D:

no time for anything except brainstorming model/level ideas!

projects-

:: programming code DONE!

:: 3d room model DONE!

:: 5rm level..in progress

and the level is due thursday D:

i'm really struggling bad with source SDK though..

it's making me so frustrated!!

but i'll get it done! i know i will! :D

<33

on malware...

2009-10-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

i can't believe that i have the first malware/virus/i-don't-know-what-it-is-but-it's-eating-my-computer thing in my computer for the first time since 6th grade..

luckily i know what to do (i hope) and am putting the poor baby through a virus scan thingy...

i hope it finds it because i vowed to get rid of it...

anyways on a happier note, i am now 2/5 away from finishing my midterm!

two pictures:

yay! :D

on retreat talk...

2009-10-07T22:33:00.000-05:00

I have a talk at the retreat this weekend...

I'm really nervous though with how it will turn out O_o

I have to:

- restrain myself from using "basically"

- have a stage presence

it's just really simple things right?

however, i have severe stage fright D:

we'll see how this works out

on Twilight...

2009-10-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

I just thought it was interesting that another Twilight movie was coming out with the same dryness that first one had been presented to the millions of fans.

Needless to say, I'm disappointed.

Why base the expected viewers over the millions of fans that have obsessed themselves with it?

I have no problem with the series. I absolutely love it.

But I have a problem with how it's being given out.

If you're going to make something that is loved, don't screw it up.

When it doesn't make profit because of how crappy the movie is, maybe you shouldn't have based it on the ones who make Twilight their one and only joy.

While everyone is up to their own interpretation of the series, it has seriously disappointed fans in terms of how well it was portrayed. (IMO, the ones who are SERIOUS about it and have become closet fans as a result...aka me.)

Fortunately, disappointed viewers will still watch the movie to support their beloved series.

But oh well.

TEAM LEAH BITCHES 8D

on starting out..

2009-09-13T23:41:00.001-05:00

hay gaiz :)